Your birth story is so personal and can be one that brings you to happy or sad tears. I have friends who had a birth go exactly as they dreamed and others who had traumatic births that took time to physically and emotionally recover from. My birth stories did not go as I imagined in the least.
When I first found out I was pregnant with my son, it was a mix of excitement and worry.
I had two miscarriages prior so I feared most of the pregnancy that we were going to lose him. In terms of physical pregnancy, I felt great. I dreamed of an unmedicated natural birth. I dreamed of that moment of feeling so powerful as a woman as I pushed my baby from my body and he would be placed on my chest.
When I went in for my 28 week appointment, our doctor told us that he was in a breech position. At this point, she was not concerned since most babies will flip by 32 weeks. Those 4 weeks went by and he was still breech. At 32 weeks, I started to see a chiropractor but only went a couple of times. He stayed breech and we began to talk about the likelihood of having a C-Section. I was crushed. This was not what I had been dreaming of and praying for. I started to read about things that could be done to make a C-Section feel more comfortable and “soft”. I wanted to try and hold him during the latter part of the surgery so I could still get that skin to skin as soon as possible.
We scheduled our C-Section for 39 weeks but our son decided he was ready at 36 weeks and 6 days. I felt disappointment that I was having a C-Section but his surprise arrival made it easier. The whole way to the hospital, my husband and I kept saying “I can’t believe we are having a baby today!”. I tried to focus on the importance of a healthy baby boy. The whole process of a C-Section was a mystery to me at this point.
We waited in our room for a while waiting for our doctor to be ready. One part that I did not know was that I would be wheeled into the room to be put into position and given the spinal tap but my husband had to wait outside during that time. We felt so stunned that he was not there with me the whole time. Shortly after I was all set, he was able to come in.
It felt like only moments later, we heard our son cry out. It was the most beautiful noise. I remember saying to my husband through my tears “He is here!”. This unfortunately, is where my birth expectations continued to fail. I saw our son out of the corner of my eye but then I started getting sick on the table. I felt a rush of nausea and ended up throwing up while they were sewing me back together. My husband was able to do skin-to-skin in the OR. I felt so sad that I had barely seen my son and then I was getting sick on the table. Those 15 to 20 minutes it took them to finish felt like the longest of my life.
I held my son as I was wheeled back to the room and did skin to skin immediately when we got back. He was healthy, happy and super snuggly!
I felt disappointed in how his birth went but I was determined to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-Section) the next time.
When we got pregnant with our daughter, I listened to podcasts about VBACS, I did all the spinning baby exercises to make sure she was in the “right” position and prayed like crazy.
At 24 weeks, she was head down and I felt like I was on the right path.
But at the 28 week appointment, she was breech. I cried the whole way home from my appointment and sobbed to my mom back at home about how all I wanted was a vaginal birth. I started doing more spinning baby exercises, begged God to flip our baby and saw an amazing Chiropractor that had a 95% success rate in flipping babies. I thought for sure with her help, we would flip our baby and I would get a chance at a VBAC.
I went to her for 6 weeks straight, multiple times a week and our baby never flipped. I was absolutely gutted. We had a different doctor this time around and she was so understanding and empathetic towards my disappointment in having another C-Section. I cried during many appointments and she hugged and encouraged me the whole way. I decided that if the baby did not flip by 36 weeks, I would give up trying to flip her. That deadline came and she was still breech. With great sadness, I scheduled my C-Section for 39 weeks.
I worked tirelessly to switch my mindset and remind myself that it didn’t matter how she came into this world, only that she was healthy and safe. I prayed like crazy for God to switch my mindset and allow me to focus on what was important.
I began to talk with my doctor about what we could do to make the C-Section better this time around.
We decided to do the clear curtain so that when our baby was born, we could see her right away. At this point, we did not know if she was a girl or a boy since we wanted to wait and find out at birth. I was excited about the chance to see her right away. We talked about ways that could reduce my nausea during the surgery. I felt more ready this time and knew how to advocate for the things that I wanted.
Despite my guess that we would go early, we made it to our scheduled C-Section. It is quite a weird experience going to bed knowing you are going to have a baby the next day. We knew that Bryan would be gone during the part in the room and I talked with the anesthesiologist before about how sick I was last time.
The clear curtain was amazing! Getting the chance to see her right away was so special. I was able to give her a kiss as soon as she came out through the curtain. It was a beautiful moment. I decided prior that I would not try to hold her in the OR and let my husband do the skin-to-skin. Not having this expectation made it easier when I had to wait until the room to hold her. I felt nauseous on the table but I did not throw up this time! Even though I didn’t hold her in the OR, I was feeling well enough that my husband held her next to my head and I was able to kiss her and kind of snuggle her. I did skin to skin as soon as we got back to the room and my daughter latched right away for 45 minutes.
My birth stories went nothing like I had hoped. Two C-Sections was not what I imagined for myself. Not because I didn’t think it was a real form of birth or felt like those women were not “real mothers” but simply because that is not what I wanted. I would be lying if I said that I am at complete peace with not having had a traditional birth but I am able to look back and realize how blessed I am to live in a time where C-Sections are safe and that I have two beautiful and healthy children.
-Becca
